| 201181021 Huiyeong Kim Intermediate English Writing 1
Enjoy Life
People are now living in a fast-changing world. So many things have been changed and the timesaving devices such as refrigerators, washing machines, and air conditioners have also been developed for people's convenience. However, people work harder and longer every day and live busily without a break forgetting the importance of it. Even though the technology has been developed, people should work less and have more leisure time.
First, people in Korea are under a lot of stress at work in today's society. They work more than 9 hours a day on the average and have a huge workload. They can be tired enough for these reasons, but they should also try to read their superior's mind. If people build up stress continuously, they can ruin their health. Therefore, they should relieve stress by having more leisure time.
In addition, people, including children, feel that they are not happy. The Korean level of happiness is the lowest among the OECD countries according to an article which was released in Children's Day in Korea on May 5. Because people want to be happy, they work. They do not live in order to work, but they work for the better life. Also, it is sad that children said like that, so parents should spend more time with their kids.
Earning money is important to live every single day in life, and people need money to buy the time saving devices, for example. They can enrich people's life. However, it is also important for people to develop themselves. If people have some time that can do something they like, they can further improve themselves, and might get a better job. Then, through development, they can earn more money and feel their successes.
In conclusion, there is a lot more to life than work. Therefore, people should take a rest and refresh themselves to relive stress. Also, they should know that being happy in life is priority than working, and it may be good to have time for self-improvement during leisure time, so it is important that people work less and have more leisure time.
|
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Huiyeong Kim A five-paragraph arguementative essay
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
200904082 Park Jin-Kyung
ReplyDelete1.I like your writing as this is well-organized and clear.
2. The theme looks like we should have more leisure time to reduce stress, be happier and improve ourselves.
3. The shpporting detail in the third paragrph is appropriate and makes the paragraph strong.
4. I think the connecting word is not used properly in the first paragraph. " Even though the technology has been developed, people should work less and have more leisure time."Even though=>Because or As
Actually there are a couple of sentences that I don't understand like "They can be tired enough for these reasons, but they should also try to read their superior's mind." read their superior's mind=> It's confusing.